My personal Advent journey

With most of my time and self-worth invested in my job, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I like to do. Or, more accurately, what I'd rather be doing.

I've relied on my instincts and ability to build a state career of more than 20 years, but that doesn't seem to be enough to work well these days.

Over the years, I've seen my salary rise, my retirement take shape, and my energy wane. It's taken me two decades to build a modicum of financial security. Now my overwhelming interest is to love who I am and what I do.

One path to a solution is to improve my game, work harder and adapt to the contemporary forces with which I am in conflict.

That will take some effort as I am set in my ways...like an old dog. What is the likelihood of success in tacking toward success in my current job? Must I learn new skills and behaviors to augment my natural ability? Can I change my game at this juncture? Is satisfaction at hand, but for my stubbornness constantly getting in the way?

Where I have found peace in recent months is by exploring different outlets for my natural interest and ability. I'd really like to rekindle a long-dormant desire to work in sports production. I've fanned those hopes recently with a few small steps; God has opened some doors, and some influential people have appeared at my side.

Will I get a "second wind" in my state career to stoke the fires of desire? Or, as I genuinely feel, am I at the crossroads of a career change, driven by passion for the work instead of avarice for the dollar?

I must admit that I am filled with excitement for what lies ahead in 2010. I live in anticipation that change is coming. Truly, this is my personal Advent journey.

Put on the spot...

How interesting. Following our Sunday street basketball game, and a couple of post-game beers, somehow the conversation turned to religion. I guess my neighbor friends thought health care reform, foreign wars and Tiger Woods were too dull to talk about.

There were only a couple of us left at that point. Me, a fellow Christian, and a couple of friends who profess their disbelief in a supreme being and disdain for the Christian, and apparently other, religions.

I need to be better prepared for this kind of thing. I am a preacher's kid, coming from two generations of Episcopal clergy. I've learned a lot-- and forgotten a lot-- over the years. But I have Christ in my heart. It may or may not be evident in the things that I do and say. His presence and comfort are my foundations.

Can I prove anything? Can I prove the existence of heaven? Or a resurrected Jesus? No, I cannot. I can only share my faith. I profess my faith each day in prayers and Sundays in corporate worship. I have faith in the things unseen. That is not enough to convince a cynic who is interested in proof.

Some of my non-believing friends might like to think that I reside in a perfect place and stand quick to criticize when I fail. What can I say? I struggle with lusts and lies and everything else, like lots of us. My relationships are not always easy. But I believe there is an example of holiness to which to attain, as exemplified by Jesus Christ. Through the millennia, he has been the example. It has taken me years to reach this understanding and joy. How can I share this in a matter of minutes?

Here's my faith in a nutshell: I love the church; I love the tradition, the liturgy and music. It bring me to center place for renewal after my sins and failures. Any works that I do are not done to earn God's favor, but, instead, are done to show gratitude for his love for me, which I experience every day. It is an amazing thing. Faith works for me.

At the end of our conversation, we depart as friends and exchange Christmas wishes. How ironic that this annual holiday, a cornerstone of Western civilization, is recognized by even the most brazen unbeliever.

I've done my best with my limited skills to share my understanding. God will have to take it from here.

Merry Christmas 2009

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

An amazing event that still touches our lives....

Merry Christmas from the Hill family

Where are my heroes?

First word of Tiger's Thanksgiving weekend accident sounded innocuous enough. Car accident...he escapes unscathed.

Now we know it has turned into much more, peeling away years of practiced public relations work. This iconic figure, successor to Michael Jordan as king of the sports world, turns out to be nothing more than Jordan turned out to be...a skirt- chasing frat boy. Problem is, he's married and a father of two.

All of this is upsetting to me. I’m upset because I bought into the hype. I put Tiger on the pedestal. He was great. Cool under fire. A killer instinct. As a sports fan, I loved all of that.

But in the end, he’s just a worldly guy, a punk, who makes a shitload of money.

The real challenge is to be faithful, to God and to our betrothed. Not that I have opportunities presenting themselves but society seems to say, “go ahead....everyone’s doing it. No one needs to know.”

That's not what we’re called to do and not something that God would bless, even remotely.

So where are our real heroes? These days, it is not the king of the sports world. It's not the guy with the fattest bank account, for money doesn't deliver happiness or fidelity.

My heroes? It's time to reboot. Not the loud mouths, the media darlings, the starlets. Rather, it's time for me to really focus on the simple folks who struggle to do the right thing every day.

Believe it or not, it could be you and me!

Is it enough...?

Does God’s admonition ever end? When Jesus says, “whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it...” (Matt 11:39) Is there ever an expiration date?

I could say that I've done that, I believe. Turning my back on what could have been my original calling, I have put God and my family before me. Really. Did I just say that?

It hasn’t been all bad, I suppose. I built a state career of 20 years, raised a son and watched as he went off to college, helped pay off a mortgage, and given lots of time and money to our church.

But is it ever enough? At times, my heart is filled with love for the Lord. It is truly ironic that when I put him first, life is more manageable. But how about my interests and passions? Or am I missing God's plan for me?

I gather the latter.....

Honestly...I'm not honest

I am not an honest person. 

At least with myself.

I remember a situation from 1982. I was interviewing for an overnight writer position with KCRA, at the time one of the top local news stations in the country. I had passed the writing tests and was interviewing in the news director’s office.

He asked me a question that I had been asked several times before and after. Even though it was a pure softball question, I could not answer it honestly.

“What do you want to be doing in five years?” Up to that point, I had been driven by the goal of being a sportscaster, relying on my instinct, knowledge and personality to be a success. Earlier, I had scored my first job in Reno a few weeks before graduation from UNR. Landing this job at KCRA would be a bonafide achievement and confirm my career efforts to that time.

Well, rather than tell the ND what was in my heart, my soul, my personality, and my dreams, I gave him a jumbled mess of what I thought was the politically correct thing to say. What I did NOT tell him was the truth...that I wanted to be the KCRA sportscaster within five years and really launch my TV career.

I don’t know for sure whether or not I would have gotten that job had I been honest and better answered that seemingly simple question. As it turned out, Carol Bland got the job and became a fixture in the Sacramento market for years. Sheesh. That could have been me. Instead, I buried my passion, refusing to share word of it.

I would go on to bounce around in other small market TV jobs for six years as a producer, hiding my true passion as “the sports guy” and emerging as a capable news producer.

Years later I would join the state, putting me light years away from my original calling and what I wanted to do. I sacrificed all that to be the good provider for my wife and son.

Now, 20 years later, having achieved state retirement age, my heart aches more than ever to find work that I can believe in and invest my spirit. Decidedly, it is not my current situation.

So each day I get up and tackle the commute dragons and wander into an office where I am ill-equipped to be a visionary. My eyes hurt....I can’t see staying there any longer.

And that, for a change, is the honest truth.....