Is it enough...?

Does God’s admonition ever end? When Jesus says, “whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it...” (Matt 11:39) Is there ever an expiration date?

I could say that I've done that, I believe. Turning my back on what could have been my original calling, I have put God and my family before me. Really. Did I just say that?

It hasn’t been all bad, I suppose. I built a state career of 20 years, raised a son and watched as he went off to college, helped pay off a mortgage, and given lots of time and money to our church.

But is it ever enough? At times, my heart is filled with love for the Lord. It is truly ironic that when I put him first, life is more manageable. But how about my interests and passions? Or am I missing God's plan for me?

I gather the latter.....

Honestly...I'm not honest

I am not an honest person. 

At least with myself.

I remember a situation from 1982. I was interviewing for an overnight writer position with KCRA, at the time one of the top local news stations in the country. I had passed the writing tests and was interviewing in the news director’s office.

He asked me a question that I had been asked several times before and after. Even though it was a pure softball question, I could not answer it honestly.

“What do you want to be doing in five years?” Up to that point, I had been driven by the goal of being a sportscaster, relying on my instinct, knowledge and personality to be a success. Earlier, I had scored my first job in Reno a few weeks before graduation from UNR. Landing this job at KCRA would be a bonafide achievement and confirm my career efforts to that time.

Well, rather than tell the ND what was in my heart, my soul, my personality, and my dreams, I gave him a jumbled mess of what I thought was the politically correct thing to say. What I did NOT tell him was the truth...that I wanted to be the KCRA sportscaster within five years and really launch my TV career.

I don’t know for sure whether or not I would have gotten that job had I been honest and better answered that seemingly simple question. As it turned out, Carol Bland got the job and became a fixture in the Sacramento market for years. Sheesh. That could have been me. Instead, I buried my passion, refusing to share word of it.

I would go on to bounce around in other small market TV jobs for six years as a producer, hiding my true passion as “the sports guy” and emerging as a capable news producer.

Years later I would join the state, putting me light years away from my original calling and what I wanted to do. I sacrificed all that to be the good provider for my wife and son.

Now, 20 years later, having achieved state retirement age, my heart aches more than ever to find work that I can believe in and invest my spirit. Decidedly, it is not my current situation.

So each day I get up and tackle the commute dragons and wander into an office where I am ill-equipped to be a visionary. My eyes hurt....I can’t see staying there any longer.

And that, for a change, is the honest truth.....